just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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