my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
tell me about the fingering
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
