you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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