I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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