why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
