Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
