Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
