OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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