Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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