No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
