...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
