We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
