he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
