flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
