i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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