I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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