so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
