A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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