If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Holy shit dude........stairs
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