He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
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All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
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I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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