I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
