If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
