after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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