i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I forget how to act sober
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
