You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
