He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
