Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have aggressive nipples.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
