I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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