Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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