People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
