I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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