I am spending my child support on dildos
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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