found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
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I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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