I'm so fucking centered right now
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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