I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
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You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
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I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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