I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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