What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros