Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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