I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
