Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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