I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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