i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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