my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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