There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
