Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
