He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
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beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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