There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
