You just made me feel so damn special
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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