i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
