My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
