I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
