I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
