My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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