i was rollin on her like bob the builder
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
