She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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