make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
