Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress