My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Houston, we have a squirter
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
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Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄